


Taking Care of Your Gargoyle

by DraniKitty



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Urban Magic Yogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 15:10:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9078166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DraniKitty/pseuds/DraniKitty
Summary: You must be wondering, how does one take care of a gargoyle?





	

**Author's Note:**

> You'll notice VERY fast that this doesn't follow the typical style of one of my UMY stories. It's not meant to! It's mostly silly that I couldn't resist, in part because Three's reaction upon me mentioning it was "Do it do it do it!" If you've ever watched certain documentaries, such as World War II In Color, that's the sort of narration I kept imagining while writing this.

Congratulations, you have come into possession of a gargoyle! Now you must take care of it!

The first thing you should do is question why you have a gargoyle. Oh, you got him from a church? Well, that’s generally where you FIND the- You BURNED the church.

Oh.

Well then. Naughty kelpie.

Upon bringing your new gargoyle companion home, you must bathe him. This will be met with trepidation, as the only association your gargoyle has with water, up to this point, is with rain, and rain is bad. It’s cold and miserable, and your walls may suffer for your attempts to get your gargoyle clean. But you have centuries of dirt and now soot to wash away, so he’s all squeaky clean! As an added bonus, because he’s made of stone, he retains heat most wonderfully!

The next thing you must do with your gargoyle is name him. Everybody needs a name, after all! It doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything, either in actual meaning or to you personally, but meaning makes it special! Once you have named your gargoyle, the hardest task is at hand.

Clothing him.

Up to this point, your gargoyle has lived his life completely naked. He’s hidden from church goers and clergymen for hundreds of years, maybe even a thousand, and this whole time he’s been in the same state he was in when he first woke up. Clothing is going to be foreign and strange to your gargoyle and you will probably struggle to keep it on him. It’s very important that you stress that if he wants to try to blend in with society and not get arrested and poked at by humans who are blind to the world around them, he needs to put clothing on. Then it will look as though his tail is simply part of his pants, until you can teach him to hide it.

We must pause for a moment to discuss your gargoyle’s tail. The first thing you need to understand about it is that it is very strong and durable, despite being made of glass, but it IS still glass and might chip.It is therefore important to keep glass around so that he may fix his tail. The second thing you must ALWAYS remember about your gargoyle’s tail is that it is both strong and sharp - Your walls and furniture will probably begin to sport gouges from him walking past or simply standing or sitting near by. Your floor, too, may suffer damage.

On the matter of clothing, in relation to your gargoyle’s tail, you will need to get any trousers you procure for him altered, so as to account for said tail. Otherwise his trousers will not be secured and the whole world will behold his perfectly sculpted ass. While it IS a beautiful ass and IS a work of art, the police will not appreciate it nearly as much as you do. Get those trousers altered so they don’t fall off!

By this point, you may have noticed a habit of your gargoyle to stick close to you or your partner. This is a normal reaction for the first few weeks or months, though it is not unusual to last a year or more. He is afraid of being abandoned, and it will take time for him to realize that you are coming home, and he can come find you anywhere in the city if you are later than usual. After so many years alone, he has a need for constant companionship.

This will lead to him collecting strays, as it were. You may have brought your gargoyle home because you thought he was pretty and lonely, but he is going to continue to bring people home because he wants to fill his new-found home with life. Yes, some of those strays are going to be human, and one may even be a child.

You will, of course, need to teach your gargoyle that your home is not the kind of home a child should be in. He will understand eventually, but it will take time.

Now, at some point, your gargoyle, so long subjected to the teachings of the church, will become deeply curious about things in the world around him. These things include alcohol and licentious parties, but he will also become curious about sex. You must take care to teach him everything you know about it, and the most important rule about sex - Make sure your partner wants it, too!

He may express alarm when he learns how one of the members of his new family stays alive. Because of the same teachings that told him casual sex was a sin, he will want his family member to NOT kill people. Great care must be taken in how you explain the absolute necessity of it, as there is something in humans that kelpies can get nowhere else that they need to survive. Give him time, he’ll understand.

A problem may come up, of course, when he befriends a human you were MEANT to kill, and now he’s attached… And you have ALSO become attached. Oh dear. It will be prudent, after this point, to make sure he does not become attached to targets again, while also learning how to live with a human.

This means your gargoyle will, naturally, need to learn to be careful with your new human companion, as humans are far more fragile than gargoyles, kelpies, or selkies.

In time, your gargoyle will naturally learn many things on his own, such as appreciation of modern media, including radios, cassette tapes, record players, and televisions. You may find yourself in possession of many new VHS tapes filled with recordings, and you’re going to need to teach your gargoyle which tapes he can record over and which ones to NEVER record over.

Now, you may have noticed some strange behavior in your gargoyle - He will look at each of you, and see a part of a whole. That is, he will see his kelpie, and know there are other kelpies. He will see his humans(Because at this point, you’ve added another human. Oh dear, you seem to be collecting humans… Your gargoyle has had some influence on you!), and know there are MANY more humans out there. He will look to his selkie and know that, though his selkie can never return to his old tribe or join a new tribe, there are many more selkies out there in the oceans, bobbing around, hunting and fighting.

What I am saying is, at some point your gargoyle will become lonely for another of his kind.

Pay attention to what your gargoyle is doing - He may soon begin to collect a list of churches where he thinks another gargoyle might be found. While he will normally visit many of the churches in the city during the holidays to attend holiday services, he will begin to visit them even in the middle of summer, trying to find signs he is not alone.

This will eventually lead, naturally, to you finding another gargoyle.

Taking care of a second gargoyle is, on the positive, much easier, as you have the experience of taking care of the first gargoyle you found. Your new gargoyle will come with his own insecurities, of course.

Oh, did we forget to address that with the first gargoyle?

You see, no matter how long you have your gargoyle around, he will continue to worry that you are going to abandon him. You may wander anywhere within the city limits and he will either wander with you, as he is seeking to protect you or simply for the companionship of it, or he will simply be content to wait at home or be doing his own wandering. It is once you step beyond the city’s limits that he will begin to worry about you returning, and will express his worry repeatedly.

Your new gargoyle, of course, will do much the same, but possibly for entirely different reasons.

While your older gargoyle, older in the sense that you have had him around longer, may have come from a church where he had little to no contact with the clergy, your newer gargoyle may have come from a church where the clergy knew well about him and have even dressed him. He will be attached to his church, as much for the memories of the people he knew there as it is the only home he’s ever known. Even if the spell holding him to the land is broken by other means than to burn the church(You naughty kelpie), it is prudent that you remember to allow him to come out of his shell on his own. He may not be as bold as your older gargoyle.

There may come a point where you recognize that, like your older gargoyle, your newer gargoyle suffers a form of separation anxiety. While the first gargoyle worries about abandonment and frets that your leaving the city means you’re leaving him, the second worries that you leaving his sight means something bad will happen.

Oh, did we discuss how you got the second gargoyle within your home? We should address that, shouldn’t we?

Every piece of property may wind up for sale, by various means. This, unfortunately, includes churches. And when a building goes up for sale, anybody can buy it… Including the horned Sidhe Lord you don’t get along with. Now, when this happens, your second gargoyle is faced with two choices - Join a court he knows nothing good about, or take up residence in your flat that already barely fits two humans, a kelpie, a selkie, and ONE gargoyle.

He may, of course, choose your flat.

So one comes to the conclusion that your second gargoyle worries that, when you leave the flat, something may happen to you, as his former home was likely procured by the neighboring Sidhe Lord while the gargoyle was away.

As a gargoyle cannot follow your humans to work, and he’s afraid to follow the other gargoyle around the city in daylight hours, and he’s VERY much not keen on watching your kelpie hunt…. Your second gargoyle will cling to the only other person he can, and that is your selkie.

Congratulations, you now have a selkie that’s becoming slightly grumpy about a clingy gargoyle.

Distraction is at hand, though - The first gargoyle, having experienced the world beyond church borders decades ahead of the second, will take him many places and show him many things, including how to eat, what to eat, where to get it, and the many beautiful paintings and sculptures at the museum.

He will also, naturally, teach your second gargoyle how to sleep and the perfect places in which to nap, including that large sunbeam in the living room.

Be careful that you don’t trip on either one, and have a wonderful time with your gargoyles! I hear they're VERY wonderful to nap on when they're warmed up in the sun!


End file.
